Hello again,
Still at work at about 8 in the evening, but the beer fairy has graced me with her presence. Her name is apparently San Miguel, her measurements are 6", 6", 6" and she is 6.5" tall - and a Leo (although don't ask me how I can tell). Her main interests are World Peace, pretty clothes, and taking the edge off Thursday evenings. She is wearing a nice shiny gold number with a white, green and red sash. Woof. Frankly.
Smashing, now I'm done waxing lyrical about a can of lager, I shall move on to my prinicpal concern for the evening - the FIFA World Cup.
Given that I am English, and a devoted footie fan, it may come as something of a shock that I WISH THEY WOULD SHUT THE F**K UP ABOUT 1966. I wasn't even a twinkle in anyone's eye at that point, and, for the love of God, let it go. Ok, once upon at time, we were good. In black and white. No wonder we won - if you can't tell the teams apart because they're all in grey, the game is surely more down to luck than skill. Oh, that and we were playing 4-2-4. So, if any of you, non-existant, readers happen to be in charge of telly in any capacity at all, I urge you: GIVE IT A REST.
Honestly, it's pathetic. Nearly as pathetic as the entire population of Scotland buying a Trinidad and Tobago strip. Nearly. Not quite though.
To the people of Scotland, therefore, I say the following:
1) I'm really sorry that England is better at nearly every sport known to man than you. But at least when do we beat you, be don't gloat like kids round a sand-pit.
2) I'm also really sorry for the following:
•Will Carling
•The Highland Clearances
•Killing Mel Gibson... sorry, William Wallace.
•Not, as a nation, having anything like the problem with heart disease that you do. (Hint: There is enough cholesterol and carbohydrate in pizza without covering it in kebab fat, deep-frying it, and then eating it with chips - with a deep-fried Mars bar for afters, if I might be so bold).
However, I should point out, that none of this is actually my fault. Had I personally fathered Will Carling, shoved your ancestors on to boats, and invented the process of frying in grease, all the while brutally eviscerating a national hero of yours, then I would consider the comical England baiting all well and good.
I didn't.
Grow up.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
Monday, May 29, 2006
Back once again
Dear All, or alternatively Dear Nobody (depending on how pessimistic I feel),
Pantgasm has had to undergo something of a re-vamp given a deeply naive e-mail circulation perpetrated by yours truly, which directed some of the directors of the company I work for to this page.
Oops.
Hence, previous content was hastily deleted, as I couldn't bear the thought of my illustrious leaders discovering that I know words like "bottom", and that sometimes I come into work less than 100% fighting fit. The vodka pixie is a fickle and cruel mistress.
So, here we are again, in electric land, probably bored and scanning through endless blogs to see if any of them have got boobs in. To these one-handed surfers I must apologise. Nary a bosom will be found on this humble page. Just loads of pontifications and other cobblers - today on the subject of:
"Steve is at work on Bank Holiday Monday and is none too chuffed about it I can tell you."
Once again, I find myself sat at this desk trying not to vomit (see previous reference to the vodka pixie, and on this occasion, her close chum Auntie Stella Artois (yes, I am from Essex, no I'm not wearing a vest, and I dissociate myself from those who engage in domestic violence).
It should be said, that I don't HAVE to be here today, but I'm trying to make things a bit easier for tomorrow. So given this rare bout of charity, I thought I'd take the time to write something on the newly evacuated blog thingy in order that it might not look quite so... umm... blank.
Thus, please see the below. I found it whilst trwaling through the two hundred and fifty squillion e-mails in my inbox. It tickled me, so I now share it with you:
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat over your shoulder and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean You're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll have to make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars have got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE TOILET - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge,long man-sized dump
Love and kisses,
Stevie.
P.S. Please feel free to send your comments and ideas and funnies to someone who will apreciate them. Failing that, try: pantgasm@gmail.com
Pantgasm has had to undergo something of a re-vamp given a deeply naive e-mail circulation perpetrated by yours truly, which directed some of the directors of the company I work for to this page.
Oops.
Hence, previous content was hastily deleted, as I couldn't bear the thought of my illustrious leaders discovering that I know words like "bottom", and that sometimes I come into work less than 100% fighting fit. The vodka pixie is a fickle and cruel mistress.
So, here we are again, in electric land, probably bored and scanning through endless blogs to see if any of them have got boobs in. To these one-handed surfers I must apologise. Nary a bosom will be found on this humble page. Just loads of pontifications and other cobblers - today on the subject of:
"Steve is at work on Bank Holiday Monday and is none too chuffed about it I can tell you."
Once again, I find myself sat at this desk trying not to vomit (see previous reference to the vodka pixie, and on this occasion, her close chum Auntie Stella Artois (yes, I am from Essex, no I'm not wearing a vest, and I dissociate myself from those who engage in domestic violence).
It should be said, that I don't HAVE to be here today, but I'm trying to make things a bit easier for tomorrow. So given this rare bout of charity, I thought I'd take the time to write something on the newly evacuated blog thingy in order that it might not look quite so... umm... blank.
Thus, please see the below. I found it whilst trwaling through the two hundred and fifty squillion e-mails in my inbox. It tickled me, so I now share it with you:
1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.
2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.
4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!
5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.
6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat over your shoulder and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.
7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.
8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".
9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.
10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".
11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling? Superb.
12. KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.
13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean You're popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.
14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.
16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?
17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll have to make do with the aisles.
18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.
19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."
20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars have got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.
21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"
24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE TOILET - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge,long man-sized dump
Love and kisses,
Stevie.
P.S. Please feel free to send your comments and ideas and funnies to someone who will apreciate them. Failing that, try: pantgasm@gmail.com
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