People 11

It can be said, without fear of contradiction, that Simon Lavendar Bickerstock is the most committed geologist the world has ever seen. The self-proclaimed "Messiah of Mineral Deposits" and "Grand High Priest of Beryl" began his career early.

Aged 12, Simon sold his immortal soul to the devil for nine shiny pebbles in a bag. The devil, so Simon claims, does not, in fact, wear Prada, but a thermal vest made from the still-beating hearts of 903.42 newly-butchered kittens, and a pH-neutral surgical mask because his Mum said it helps with his allergies.

By 19, he'd had his first taste of Ordnance Survey maps, and immediately submitted himself for clinical trials. As a result of this he has but 7 fingers, a nervous tic and can only sleep when completely enveloped in custard.

At 24 he was already Geologist to the Queen's Fishmonger, and was revelling in his new developed taste for geo-erotic literature and film. To date his PornStone production company has released 47 separate features, and a spin off sit-com. Worthy of note are the "Rock Hard Series" including: "Rock Hard lays down his salt deposit", "Rock's Gypsum Frenzy: Milky Quartz Edition", and more recently "A Fine Day or a Schisting" and "Debbie does Zhonghuacerite-(Ce)".

After this golden era, however, Simon lost his muse and is currently wanted by Hertfordshire Constabulary for 3 counts of indecently assaulting scree, 2 counts of improper relations with a yard of sharp sand, and for indecent exposure in a quarry. He is also rumoured to have personally licked a steep scarp slope, which cannot be named for legal reasons.

Mr. Bickerstock also has three failed Guinness World Record Eel-Swallowing attempts to his name, and is a founder member of the Upper Dingley-Moore Fruit Bat Combustion Team.

People 10

Louise Croft-Mullerhausen has never been one to take the obvious route to research fame. Fresh out of high-school in 1998, Louise began a journey that would eventually see her rise to the top of the research league in Greater Blackpool. At the age of 43 Louise invented and constructed the 'white plank' (pictured), a feat that landed her an advisory role for the University of Guelglo. Whilst at Guelglo Louise helped develop the theory of 'F', lobbied for the introduction of Twister (tm) fries to the canteen menu and single-handedly reared several marsupials, all of which have since died under near-mysterious circumstances. Following the success of the 'F' theorem and the subsequent demise of the Canadian Alabaster Council, Louise upped roots and got a job working for Norwich Cement and Auditing, a small Devon-based company specialising in artificial birds nests for decorative purposes. During her spell at NCA, Louise accidentally discovered free-form freak out (which would later evolve into what is today know as jazzercise) and helped design the award-winning 'Bald Eagle Concrete Nest, type A3.2'. Based on the premise that concrete and birds DO mix, Louise managed to achieve what no researchers had managed before her; to develop a product which was useful to the general populace of birds (including birds of prey and some dolphins) whilst still retaining some of the idiosyncratic features inherent in concrete.
In the last few years, Louise has settled down in her native Wessex, dividing her time between writing endless letters of complaint to Channel 5 and looking after her 34-year old daughter, Asphyxia.

People 9

Clyde, the 18 foot "imaginary" blueberry muffin, has had a life ravaged by tragedy. As a young crumb in South Ossetia, Georgia, he was a member of the Southern Ossetian Dramatic, Operatic and Musical Youth where he fell deeply in love with an older danish pastry called Claude. Claude, ruled by his heart, longed to move to Hollywood and see his name in lights. When the chance came, he stowed away in a whoopee cushion and fled to Tinseltown. Clyde's heart was shattered, as he had no money, no passport, and was unable to indulge in international travel as his homeland was unrecognised by the UN. Bastards.

Claude went on to appear as the left hand side of Princess Leia's hairdo in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope.

By the time Clyde finally escaped to the States, he was a bitter bitter individual (mainly because he'd gone a bit stale) bent on reeking his terrible revenge on all manner of pastry items. It was this that drew him to Barbara Templeton-Phipps. United by their mutual spite and hatred for croissants they would plot the demise of cookies, pain au chocolat, and scones long into the night, cackling harmoniously over a fresh pail of tears.

It was then that Clyde met Calypso, a flirtatious canary from East Cheam, who coaxed him, with whispered promises of indiscretion and a thimble full of millet back onto the straight and narrow.

Clyde has since risen through the ranks of Academe to the esteemed position of 3rd Deputy Snack Item, and longs to finally tumble from his vending machine and bask in the blessed relief of a pair of soiled, ill-fitting dentures tearing him asunder, ushering him, gently and quietly into THE DARK.

While he still has breath, however, Clyde has applied to continue his father's labour of love in Ireland - an in depth palynological study of blanket bogs, and who knows, maybe even get round to finally preparing the illustrations for his much-hyped forthcoming catalogue of decorated brooches.

In his quiet hours, Clyde likes to stalk Barbara Templeton-Phipps (see below), collect disused fingernails, and reinterpret modular arithmetic in sonnet form.

People 8

Name: Gordon Hillary Brusq'ue
DOB: 11/3/1856
Occupation: Chief scientist and co-founder of the Children and Young Adults Molecular Experience drop-in centre in Mape, Worchestershire. Active member of the Frankfurt Aviatory Appreciation Society, or FAAS.
Hobbies: Likes to collect anything from tinted glass mosaics to pictures of culled baby seals. Enjoys wearing adult diapers and driving to the country side in his Morris Marina.
Describes himself as: Male, predatory and slightly 'beardy'.
Favourite book: “Moths: Friend or Foe?” by the Belgian Tourist Board.
Likes: Bleach-based cleaning products and autonomous swan communities.
Dislikes: Travelling in a straight line.
Would like to meet: Princess Margaret, the Countess of Snowdon.
Little know fact: Uses his sweater to confuse his prey.
Catchphrase: 'Have you checked the cabinet?'.

People 7

Charles "Barbara" Templeton-Phipps is a man apart. For the past 15 years 9 months and 8 days he has been relentlessly stalked by an 18 foot imaginary blueberry muffin named Clyde.

In face of such unremitting torment a lesser man would have crumbled, broken by the sinister fruit-based shadow, looming, ever-present, there.

But no. Adversity, they say is the mother of invention, uncle of genius, and second cousin twice removed of Eddie "the Eagle" Edwards. People should stop listening to "them".

Brave and committed, Babs has recently dazzled the research world with his latest opus "Why penguins can't wear knuckledusters, and other social injustices". This work was greeted by utter silence from everyone, which was appropriate, for this, my friends, is the "Penguin way".

As if further vindication of his/her existence were needed, Babs has quite literally made a name for himself by ingesting an entire set of Scrabble tiles, and logging the order in which Nature returned them. As such, Babs has submitted a deed poll application to have his/her name changed to: QZZT "Sweetcorn, I don't remember eating sweetcorn...oh...maybe it's a peanut" FRRTGPJHH-Blank. He is expecting a response in due course.

In his/her spare time Babs enjoys torturing croissants and devotes 4 hours of every waking day to sobbing disconsolately into a bucket.

People 6

Name: Bent Robespierre-Mulvad
DOB: 5/9/1943
Occupation: Amateur quantum physicist, baker
Hobbies: Watching television, going for long walks in nature and putting fire to marsupials with a squash racket doused in paraffin
Describes himself as: Kind, bubbly, fond of electromagnetism, a 'bit of a player'.
Favourite book: “Lurn to spill in too monfs” by Niels Gutierrez
Likes: The fact that water boils at a 100 degrees celcius under normal atmospheric pressure conditions
Dislikes: Mink
Would like to meet: Humans that aren't dead
Catchphrase: 'I said ONE scoop!'

People 5

Nigel Spazma-l'Oeuf has become one of the most respected scientists in his field during the last few decades. He has so far released nearly two studies on his speciality subject of thermal parapsychology, making him one of the most prolific researchers of his generation. After suffering his ninth successive nervous breakdown in the summer of '69 following the death of his diabetic parakeet and lifelong companion Max, Spazma-l'Oeuf went on a spiritual journey to Bracknell where he eventually settled. It was in those early days in Bracknell that Nigel met the now notorious Dr. Smaek, author of the “Man-Goat Experience” and sometimes colourful curator of the Leicester Sewage Museum. Despite becoming friends, the two spent most of week 30 penning what was to become “When numbers don't add up” and “Mechanised Trilby Hats: The Untold Story”. Both texts are now considered classics and have led to some not inconsiderable debate on both sides of the river Wey.

After falling out over an unpaid fishing licence late last year, the two are now working separately in a race to become the first westerner to successfully isolate sand from beach matter.

In his spare time Nigel likes to count from 23 to 56 using only the power of his brain which he says “is simply amazing”.

In brief:

Favourite food: spam.
Favourite music: no.
Favourite pastime: Eating spam whilst not listening to music.
Favourite celebrity: Prince Andrew.

People 4

Marjorie O'Smythes is perhaps best known for her contributions to the quarterly Is That It? popular science publication. Her award winning column frequently touch upon such controversial topics as dysfunctional arithmetic, the true age of clay and the subtleties of crane rearing. Marje cut her teeth developing simulation models for frigid magma during a long period as a research administrator at the University of Skaepe, near the Little Chef junction just before Birmingham. More recently she has travelled to and from Skegness, donated her collection of whole beaks to the Maritime Museum Fowl Department and applied for Burkina Faso citizenship. Of the latter she says 'I just felt it was time to move on. Much like the person who decides it is time to move. You know, like relocate or something. Almost like the otter returning to the fold. No actually exactly like that. Except of course I am not an otter and I am not sure what type of fold the saying refers to. Apart from those caveats, the meaning is loud and clear. And I stand by that, much like the trajectory of a maligned cormorant'.

People 3

Clive Caramba is currently the head physicist at the Worplesdon-based polystyrene manufacturers' think-tank The Mug. Before his career in policy, Caramba specialised in surreal computing at the University of Duck, an untenable tenure resulting in his now semi-legendary work on the abstract relationship between odours and sparse bindery, now commonly referred to as the 'mime theorem of unknown and established integers of cloth”.

During his time at Duck U, Caramba gained notoriety on the social circuit through as series of daring and unconventional DJ-sets involving himself, two Soca Anthems albums and copious amounts of maple syrup substitute. Speaking of those heady days, Caramba recalls how he 'used to just go mental, you know, really push the boat – sometimes i would stay awake until two or three in the morning, just pulling out all the stops'.

It was during one of these infamous nights that Caramba met Bente Pedersen and they were to forge a relationship that lasted several days. 'She wasn't ready for the world I inhabited', he says, slowly sipping a cup of hot fat, ' but there was a magic connection between us that I can only explain in terms of gerontology'. Bente since went on to achieve other things in her life, none of which are particularly noteworthy.

'Are we still in contact? Yes, I actually spoke to her last year at a conference in Basingstoke. She didn't recall who I was at first but when I did my syrup-substitute routine she said she remembered who I was. Then she left' Caramba muses before ordering another lardy broth.

Clive is currently wanted by South Wales Constabulary in connection with a series of brutal verbal attacks on the region's pipe-manufacturers.

People 2

Renowned campanologist and composer of over four ringtones, Gwendolyn "G-dog" McArdle has been pilloried by the international research community for her attempts to create a sentient Space Hopper by cross-breeding a BMX and a morbidly obese leukemia sufferer named Dave. In response to such wide-spread criticism her open letter of rebuttal, provocatively entitled "La la la, don't care, not listening", was warmly received by the militant group Space Hoppers Against Gravel, and has since been short-listed for the Man Booker prize for Fiction Written on the Back of an Envelope.

When not busy in the lab, G-dog likes to relax by taunting carp, and painting dogs with creosote.

People

Ulla McDonaghue is perhaps best known for her idiosyncratic studies relating to the skewed mating habits of Maltese tendrils. She describe herself as 'bubbly', 'prudent' and 'slightly scared of evil'. When not lecturing at Hackney Community College she likes to expand on her theory that the world is in fact flat, despite the availability of numerous volumes of work suggesting the contrary. A self-confessed collector of anything gray, she currently boasts one of Norwich's largest collections of concrete refuse. Dreams of having a pet ape called Francis, or Frank if it is a male.



Moonray Tiger Nielsen's biggest contribution to science is undoubtedly her investigative forays in to the highly contentious area of frustrated magnets. She has co-written several books on the subject in conjunction with a former sound engineer for Deep Purple who shall remain nameless at his own request.
Nielsen was also the first researcher to suggest that liquid is a colour, for which she received much rebuttal from her own community.
She bases her belief system on the assumption that rambunctious is simply another way of spelling Kansas (give or take a few letters - the flexibility of the system is according to herself one of the main attractions of the theory).
Was last seen bicycling somewhere near Epsom wearing a limited edition brown leotard with the word "FISK" emblazoned on the back whilst shouting 'Hoopla' in a sneering manner at stunned bystanders.

Frank 'Frank' Bax, editor of Shit Hot Science for Kids and notorious contributor to maverick trade magazine 'Concrete Quarterly, spends his spare time (of which he claims he has 'alot') dutifully observing the national holidays of all African nations except Mali. He drives a Volvo, has a fondness for Croatian soup and uses his ability to fly sparingly. "Life is like a boat".

Henk 'Henk' Uberville specialises in occult syllables and has travelled all over Norwich during his research. He likes gentle apes, Horlicks and being prodded in a suggestive manner with a broken compass. He continues to unsuccessfully petition against the use of leisurewear in the pickle-industry whilst maintaining that the earth is round, but “in a flat sort of way, much like a squashed orange except not orange and clearly without the peel”.


Ilse Christensen, or simply 'Pjalte' to her friends, prides herself on being a complex character.
When not busy trying to come to terms with the perplexities of bronze-age Finnish agricultural practices and the resulting decline in the use of the letter 'N', Pjalte likes to spend time with her pet sock 'Archimedes', and is an avid collector of books and magazines on gypsum-based spackle. "I just can't understand why people would even contemplate using any other materials. Unless of course you live somewhere where you can't get gypsum, in which case I suppose even I would have to compromise. Which by the way I won't".

When he is not busy re-inventing French beat poetry or watching reruns of Paraguayan wrestling (seasons 87-88),
Jens Erik Skovvang enjoys walks in nature, Italian food and the occasional bout of flagellation.
"I prefer turtleneck sweaters, - there's just something about them".