People 17

Name: Hanna Jean-Luc Picard Olesen
Occupation: Modest researcher, part time concept
History: Vague, at best. Something to do with robo-ethics and the notion that that quails emanate from outer space. Allegedly born with only one face (pictured).
Most notable achievements: First female scientist to disprove popular myth relating to bears and defecation in forested areas. Once made a drawing of the ugliest person ever to be born (pictured).
Current activities: Some, although this is may or or may not prove to be the case. Perhaps unsurprisingly no one seems too bothered (I care. I really do - Ed.)
Favourite animal: demented crane (pictured here, without pseudo-iconic wings).
Pet hates: Odd-shaped pebbles. The feeling you get from staring too long at essence of vanilla.
Loves: Using industrial adhesive for attaching face to reality (pictured here, without reality). Freddie Mercury. Miscellaneous items beginning with 'L' that have double meaning when poorly translated into Cyrillic.
Famous quote: "Open flap, close flap" (pictured here without flap).
Would like to meet: Baron Asquith of Bishopstone (1890-1954).
In brief: Despite being twice voted female scientist least likely to win a game of charades, she has nevertheless reached such dizzying heights of abstract deduction that currently people in her surroundings are wholly unaware of her existence. Runs conceptual bed and breakfast in CLydesdale with notorious underground rapper MC Bake, with whom she also shares a penchant for Mexican hairdryers.

People 16

Dvorak 'Sunny' Algaetramp is the head researcher of the Albanian Research and Science Emporium based in Doncaster, UK. Despite winning several pointless awards, Sunny is perhaps best known for his flamboyant style and patented electromagnetic jacket (pictured). The latter is said to posses near-mystical properties that may or may not enable Sunny to fly. His long career has often been dogged by allegations of links to the Welsh mafia, with whom he enjoys a good working relationship. During last year's Conference for People Who Just Don't Care Anymore and Molecular Biologists, rumours quickly spread that Sunny was 37% whelk or possibly feathered – a rumour he has since vehemently defended. He is currently dead and now spends his time studying drawings of old carp. Hates the thought of having to use a 0.5 ball point pen without consulting his local MP, who incidentally is also dead.

People 15

Hassana McNielsen-Xiaoping has over the years earned a reputation as the wild woman of molecular wind turbine research. Her formative years were spent touring with Jeff Ruby, a now defunct Neil Diamond covers band, where she discovered (amongst other things) the true value of life. When Jeff Ruby acrimoniously disbanded mid-tour in Berkshire following the Tet Offensive, Hassana was left to aimlessly wander the streets in search of new pastures green. After setting up a charity for disabled entrances Hassana chanced upon a non-scientific formula for Easter, after which she gave up on her charitable work and entered a prolonged pseudo-religious relapse. Then, in 1992, Hassana embarked on what is now generally accepted to be one of the most intriguing careers in science outside of the domain of reality. Hassana is responsible for inventing the inverted colon; establishing a semi-autonomous region in the wastelands between Hull and Whitby populated entirely by discarded Amstrads; adding a ninth note to the flute scale and disproving the existence of solid air. In 1993 she successfully lodged a piano in her mouth (pictured) and now plays the Marseillaise every time she laughs. Hassana currently lives as a hermit in the Welsh Appalachians, relying only Carling and bark for subsistence. According to her agent she is busy rewriting the King James I bible using only words beginning with F.

People 14

Name: Baron von Kaven
Real name: Baron von Kaven
Occupation: Baron, science maverick, deceased
Likes: Reading, speaking with a lisp, ape-like erectile dysfunctions
Dislikes: Mauve hosiery, unprovoked happyslapping, having been dead since 1953
WLTM: Like-minded baroness, preferably deceased, preferably named von Kaven (purely for practical purposes)
In brief: Baron von Kaven is probably best known for his 1953 stage adaptation of the Gregorian calendar at the Anderlecht Civic Centre and Pie Shop in which several members of the cast are said to suffer from a mild cold. Was once married to Diane Keaton (this has later turned out to be a mistake. He was, in fact, not married to Diane Keaton). Claims to have been partially responsible for the development of the 'Catchphrase' television game show concept, - a claim that has since been reputed by sources close to sources close to Roy Walker. Disputed originator of the expression “so is this Myanmar? Rub the grass!”.

People 13

Professor Captain Eusebio Bouillabaisse has been thrilling the scientific world for nearly eleven decades with his surreal and increasingly erratic take on marsupial mid-wifery. His good humour and unfaltering desire to rid the world of witches and women in general has meant he is becoming a permanent fixture of the scientific jet set. His recent commercial offering, the unabridged talking book version of the periodic table, is expected to sell in its thousands and rumour has it he has begun work on a board game based on the life of William Conrad Roentgen. Despite his current status as one of the top people in the world, Bouillabaisse began life under rather more humble terms. Believed to be the result of a chance and unholy alliance between ex-Leicester City “journeyman” Steve Claridge and ex-second choice Lassie stunt double “Spot”, Bouillabaisse experienced a traumatic childhood moving from trailer to trailer in Pinewood studios in search of Rough Collie-based movies in need of stunt doubles. Once work dried up following the 1987 “Lassie-Gate” cocaine scandal, Bouillabaisse was forced to go live with his dad in a nano-shed behind the Leicester City training grounds. It was during this time that Bouillabaisse developed his love for science, in particular the science of something to do with stuff, and materials. Basing his future career on the achievements of his childhood hero General Pinochet combined with his love for rice pudding, Bouillabaisse started his ascent into science stardom armed only with a map of Yorkshire and a spoon made entirely from the bones of South American dissenters. Within weeks he had secured a lucrative position as a Tory advisor on internal affairs and catering, rubbing shoulders with and giving advice to the top brass of regional canteen politics. This in turn led him to discover a second, non-existant Fibonnaci spiral and the assertion that existence is a by-product of lint. Neither event really made any impact on the world of science and Bouillabaisse was quickly promoted to head researcher of the known world and Mexico, a role he still holds and relishes. In spite of recent research efforts that have garnered actual results, Bouillabaisse looks certain to keep his semi-legendary status in the murky world of science. “I can't see myself doing anything else” he says, “ except perhaps the laundry, now that my maid has died. I had nothing to do with it, by the way. She strangled and then buried herself quite without any assistance”. Bouillabaisse is currently getting dressed for dinner somewhere on the French continent.

People 12

Morten Nilsson-O’Toole, maverick coiffeur, and Nobel prize-losing biologist is one of the few members of the international research community to fully embrace the cross-disciplinary requirements of the rapidly evolving miasma of academe. He is also one of the first to volunteer to be publicly flogged with a chicken by 7 Jehovahs Witnesses in lederhosen – but singly failed to recruit any suitable fowl over the age of consent. One sparrow did offer to step in at the last minute, but was later discovered to be a meercat in disguise, much to everyone’s embarrassment.

While other, blinkered and introverted scientists stare at their shoes and shuffle awkwardly as the prospect of using the loos on another floor in the faculty, Morten threw off the shackles of shyness and seized the opportunity to meld his two, disparate loves: hairdressing and animal biology. As such, he is credited with the inspirational creation of the fusion hairdo wave, including the now world famous B52, consisting of 52 honey bees stapled to the wearer’s scalp. Latterly, other interpretations of note include the “crop” – follicle replacement with cress seeds, and the “Mohawk” a small bird of prey called Mo tethered to the skull with a dozen elastic bands and a long afternoon of reasoned persuasion.

Somewhat catastrophically, however, Morten’s career was brought to a sudden end at a conference displaying the fruits of his labours, when Mo spotted a gang of militant field mice skulking in the cress, and began taunting them with a series of bitter jibes, suggesting that they all smelt of “tinkle” and “doody-pops”. So cruel were the words of the hawk that a fierce brawl ensued, during which an atomic wedgie, administered to Nilsson-O’Toole, inadvertently detonated a grenade he had been hiding up his bottom “for a rainy day”. Fragments of his obliterated trousers have been pickled and are now available for purchase on eBay.