Name: Clint Waffa-Waffa Partridge
DOB: Sometime just before the Great Fire of London, but definitely after the Norman Conquest
Occupation: Ape handler, freelance certified beard breeder; seasonal town crier
Hobbies: Some
Describes himself as: Extremely attractive, well-pruned like a shapely pear
Favourite film: The Never Ending Story
Likes: Beards, ethnic pubic hair, wooden pliers (splinter-free)
Dislikes: Alabaster
Would like to meet: Someone who is selling a couple of crates of disused rifle grease
Catchphrase: What?
