People and thereof (?)

Name: Clint Waffa-Waffa Partridge
DOB: Sometime just before the Great Fire of London, but definitely after the Norman Conquest
Occupation: Ape handler, freelance certified beard breeder; seasonal town crier
Hobbies: Some
Describes himself as: Extremely attractive, well-pruned like a shapely pear
Favourite film: The Never Ending Story
Likes: Beards, ethnic pubic hair, wooden pliers (splinter-free)
Dislikes: Alabaster
Would like to meet: Someone who is selling a couple of crates of disused rifle grease
Catchphrase: What?

People past and present

Name: Polymah “Pappa” Pompidou;
What: 69, 166cm, bad breath, shaped like an old egg, smoker, drinker, professional w/ car
Where: Lodged between two walls, Leeds Castle;
WLTM: Single bricklayer, male or female, for long distance correspondence on the topic of apophenia; must have own fridge; genitals preferred but not essential;
Loves: Cooking for three; forcing dogs to wear human wigs; pretending to buy a latte on-line; jail based dramas, preferably American (and ideally a bit saucy!);
Hates: Smokers, nazis, gay people and women. Black people. And obviously the Flemish; involuntary bed wetting; red tarpaulin; walks by the fucking sea.