Morritz “Neville” Schumann has just been appointed chief editor for the Wigan toiletry manufacturers’ trade publication ‘Faecal Matters’. Schumann has stepped into the role following the shock departure of the previous editor, Jacques Jacaville Jacobaueys, who quit only a few hours ago citing “irreconcilable differences with the general realms of Braille”.
Morritz (pictured) has had a long a and colourful career before joining the Turd, as the publication is known in the industry. He started his own gravel pit at the age of just nine with the help of loan from his deceased gran. He sold it to a mate for a few shilling the year after and began branching out in to different areas of enterprise, including such diverse areas of pseudo-commerce as ‘air vender’, ‘purveyor of lintrubbings’ and a brief stint as Mayor of Clydesdale.
Some insiders in the industry believe “Neville” is the perfect man for the job, having only just recovered from a protracted and quite unnecessary lobotomy at the Oldham Royal and General, where he also sold shoelaces to the infirm. Minority Faecal Matter shareholder Ryan Giggs (perhaps mainly remembered by some for his lacklustre career as a sportsman for amateur football club Manchester United) is pleased with the appointment. “Schumann will be a great asset to the publication. A great asset” he told SpasmGasm earlier this evening, whilst eating someone’s spleen.
Schumann’s first move as chief editor will be to install a fridge in the third floor gents, commission a piece on the irregularities of Haydn and declare himself a persona non-grata. “I can’t wait to get stuck in” Morritz said at a press briefing just minutes ago, before going to the lavatory for a quick curl.
Schumann, despite his relatively bland history, harbours many secrets. He is an avid fan of modern necrophilia (and currently a fulltime practitioner, pending further action by Accrington constabulatory), he likes spending time with his family and enjoys the rigorous demands of jazzercise, which he finds “about as invigorating as debasing a corpse – really great stuff”.
“Neville” does have his work cut out for him, and we shall follow his progress with glee.
Jacobaueys, who during the last 83 years managed to steer the publication from being side-player in the industry to the fully-fledged voice of northern toiletry manufacturing we know it as today, is believed to be somewhat devastated and rather baffled by his own decision to quit. Speaking from a house in Rattby, a close friend of his informed the Gasmpire that despite the upheaval (some thought he would die in his post), Jacobaueys is content, albeit baffled and devastated. Some guys in a pub that we spoke to suggested that Jacobaueys “take a couple of days off and then decide what to”. “Yes” added another.
Jacobaueys is widely believed to have his eyes on the editor’s job currently unavailable at the local Brunswick News and Mart newspaper, owned in part by ex-Leicester City journeyman Steve Claridge.
We wish Jacobaueys the best of luck and look forward to a new glorious era of toiletry-related scoops and analysis at the helm of Schumann, who sadly died last year from hypothermia whilst cleaning out his garage.
Morritz (pictured) has had a long a and colourful career before joining the Turd, as the publication is known in the industry. He started his own gravel pit at the age of just nine with the help of loan from his deceased gran. He sold it to a mate for a few shilling the year after and began branching out in to different areas of enterprise, including such diverse areas of pseudo-commerce as ‘air vender’, ‘purveyor of lintrubbings’ and a brief stint as Mayor of Clydesdale.
Some insiders in the industry believe “Neville” is the perfect man for the job, having only just recovered from a protracted and quite unnecessary lobotomy at the Oldham Royal and General, where he also sold shoelaces to the infirm. Minority Faecal Matter shareholder Ryan Giggs (perhaps mainly remembered by some for his lacklustre career as a sportsman for amateur football club Manchester United) is pleased with the appointment. “Schumann will be a great asset to the publication. A great asset” he told SpasmGasm earlier this evening, whilst eating someone’s spleen.
Schumann’s first move as chief editor will be to install a fridge in the third floor gents, commission a piece on the irregularities of Haydn and declare himself a persona non-grata. “I can’t wait to get stuck in” Morritz said at a press briefing just minutes ago, before going to the lavatory for a quick curl.
Schumann, despite his relatively bland history, harbours many secrets. He is an avid fan of modern necrophilia (and currently a fulltime practitioner, pending further action by Accrington constabulatory), he likes spending time with his family and enjoys the rigorous demands of jazzercise, which he finds “about as invigorating as debasing a corpse – really great stuff”.
“Neville” does have his work cut out for him, and we shall follow his progress with glee.
Jacobaueys, who during the last 83 years managed to steer the publication from being side-player in the industry to the fully-fledged voice of northern toiletry manufacturing we know it as today, is believed to be somewhat devastated and rather baffled by his own decision to quit. Speaking from a house in Rattby, a close friend of his informed the Gasmpire that despite the upheaval (some thought he would die in his post), Jacobaueys is content, albeit baffled and devastated. Some guys in a pub that we spoke to suggested that Jacobaueys “take a couple of days off and then decide what to”. “Yes” added another.
Jacobaueys is widely believed to have his eyes on the editor’s job currently unavailable at the local Brunswick News and Mart newspaper, owned in part by ex-Leicester City journeyman Steve Claridge.
We wish Jacobaueys the best of luck and look forward to a new glorious era of toiletry-related scoops and analysis at the helm of Schumann, who sadly died last year from hypothermia whilst cleaning out his garage.
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