People 13

Professor Captain Eusebio Bouillabaisse has been thrilling the scientific world for nearly eleven decades with his surreal and increasingly erratic take on marsupial mid-wifery. His good humour and unfaltering desire to rid the world of witches and women in general has meant he is becoming a permanent fixture of the scientific jet set. His recent commercial offering, the unabridged talking book version of the periodic table, is expected to sell in its thousands and rumour has it he has begun work on a board game based on the life of William Conrad Roentgen. Despite his current status as one of the top people in the world, Bouillabaisse began life under rather more humble terms. Believed to be the result of a chance and unholy alliance between ex-Leicester City “journeyman” Steve Claridge and ex-second choice Lassie stunt double “Spot”, Bouillabaisse experienced a traumatic childhood moving from trailer to trailer in Pinewood studios in search of Rough Collie-based movies in need of stunt doubles. Once work dried up following the 1987 “Lassie-Gate” cocaine scandal, Bouillabaisse was forced to go live with his dad in a nano-shed behind the Leicester City training grounds. It was during this time that Bouillabaisse developed his love for science, in particular the science of something to do with stuff, and materials. Basing his future career on the achievements of his childhood hero General Pinochet combined with his love for rice pudding, Bouillabaisse started his ascent into science stardom armed only with a map of Yorkshire and a spoon made entirely from the bones of South American dissenters. Within weeks he had secured a lucrative position as a Tory advisor on internal affairs and catering, rubbing shoulders with and giving advice to the top brass of regional canteen politics. This in turn led him to discover a second, non-existant Fibonnaci spiral and the assertion that existence is a by-product of lint. Neither event really made any impact on the world of science and Bouillabaisse was quickly promoted to head researcher of the known world and Mexico, a role he still holds and relishes. In spite of recent research efforts that have garnered actual results, Bouillabaisse looks certain to keep his semi-legendary status in the murky world of science. “I can't see myself doing anything else” he says, “ except perhaps the laundry, now that my maid has died. I had nothing to do with it, by the way. She strangled and then buried herself quite without any assistance”. Bouillabaisse is currently getting dressed for dinner somewhere on the French continent.