People 12

Morten Nilsson-O’Toole, maverick coiffeur, and Nobel prize-losing biologist is one of the few members of the international research community to fully embrace the cross-disciplinary requirements of the rapidly evolving miasma of academe. He is also one of the first to volunteer to be publicly flogged with a chicken by 7 Jehovahs Witnesses in lederhosen – but singly failed to recruit any suitable fowl over the age of consent. One sparrow did offer to step in at the last minute, but was later discovered to be a meercat in disguise, much to everyone’s embarrassment.

While other, blinkered and introverted scientists stare at their shoes and shuffle awkwardly as the prospect of using the loos on another floor in the faculty, Morten threw off the shackles of shyness and seized the opportunity to meld his two, disparate loves: hairdressing and animal biology. As such, he is credited with the inspirational creation of the fusion hairdo wave, including the now world famous B52, consisting of 52 honey bees stapled to the wearer’s scalp. Latterly, other interpretations of note include the “crop” – follicle replacement with cress seeds, and the “Mohawk” a small bird of prey called Mo tethered to the skull with a dozen elastic bands and a long afternoon of reasoned persuasion.

Somewhat catastrophically, however, Morten’s career was brought to a sudden end at a conference displaying the fruits of his labours, when Mo spotted a gang of militant field mice skulking in the cress, and began taunting them with a series of bitter jibes, suggesting that they all smelt of “tinkle” and “doody-pops”. So cruel were the words of the hawk that a fierce brawl ensued, during which an atomic wedgie, administered to Nilsson-O’Toole, inadvertently detonated a grenade he had been hiding up his bottom “for a rainy day”. Fragments of his obliterated trousers have been pickled and are now available for purchase on eBay.