It can be said, without fear of contradiction, that Simon Lavendar Bickerstock is the most committed geologist the world has ever seen. The self-proclaimed "Messiah of Mineral Deposits" and "Grand High Priest of Beryl" began his career early.
Aged 12, Simon sold his immortal soul to the devil for nine shiny pebbles in a bag. The devil, so Simon claims, does not, in fact, wear Prada, but a thermal vest made from the still-beating hearts of 903.42 newly-butchered kittens, and a pH-neutral surgical mask because his Mum said it helps with his allergies.
By 19, he'd had his first taste of Ordnance Survey maps, and immediately submitted himself for clinical trials. As a result of this he has but 7 fingers, a nervous tic and can only sleep when completely enveloped in custard.
At 24 he was already Geologist to the Queen's Fishmonger, and was revelling in his new developed taste for geo-erotic literature and film. To date his PornStone production company has released 47 separate features, and a spin off sit-com. Worthy of note are the "Rock Hard Series" including: "Rock Hard lays down his salt deposit", "Rock's Gypsum Frenzy: Milky Quartz Edition", and more recently "A Fine Day or a Schisting" and "Debbie does Zhonghuacerite-(Ce)".
After this golden era, however, Simon lost his muse and is currently wanted by Hertfordshire Constabulary for 3 counts of indecently assaulting scree, 2 counts of improper relations with a yard of sharp sand, and for indecent exposure in a quarry. He is also rumoured to have personally licked a steep scarp slope, which cannot be named for legal reasons.
Mr. Bickerstock also has three failed Guinness World Record Eel-Swallowing attempts to his name, and is a founder member of the Upper Dingley-Moore Fruit Bat Combustion Team.
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