People 9

Clyde, the 18 foot "imaginary" blueberry muffin, has had a life ravaged by tragedy. As a young crumb in South Ossetia, Georgia, he was a member of the Southern Ossetian Dramatic, Operatic and Musical Youth where he fell deeply in love with an older danish pastry called Claude. Claude, ruled by his heart, longed to move to Hollywood and see his name in lights. When the chance came, he stowed away in a whoopee cushion and fled to Tinseltown. Clyde's heart was shattered, as he had no money, no passport, and was unable to indulge in international travel as his homeland was unrecognised by the UN. Bastards.

Claude went on to appear as the left hand side of Princess Leia's hairdo in Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope.

By the time Clyde finally escaped to the States, he was a bitter bitter individual (mainly because he'd gone a bit stale) bent on reeking his terrible revenge on all manner of pastry items. It was this that drew him to Barbara Templeton-Phipps. United by their mutual spite and hatred for croissants they would plot the demise of cookies, pain au chocolat, and scones long into the night, cackling harmoniously over a fresh pail of tears.

It was then that Clyde met Calypso, a flirtatious canary from East Cheam, who coaxed him, with whispered promises of indiscretion and a thimble full of millet back onto the straight and narrow.

Clyde has since risen through the ranks of Academe to the esteemed position of 3rd Deputy Snack Item, and longs to finally tumble from his vending machine and bask in the blessed relief of a pair of soiled, ill-fitting dentures tearing him asunder, ushering him, gently and quietly into THE DARK.

While he still has breath, however, Clyde has applied to continue his father's labour of love in Ireland - an in depth palynological study of blanket bogs, and who knows, maybe even get round to finally preparing the illustrations for his much-hyped forthcoming catalogue of decorated brooches.

In his quiet hours, Clyde likes to stalk Barbara Templeton-Phipps (see below), collect disused fingernails, and reinterpret modular arithmetic in sonnet form.